The Messy Middle

What Resurrection Means to Me: The Messy Middle

Written by: Lindsay L. O’Connor

Resurrection is messy. In my evangelical Christian upbringing, I learned that Easter is a time to celebrate, but I never heard anyone talk about the complexity of learning to hope again after death. This never occurred to me until I experienced death and resurrection within my own body.

A liminal space exists in which the lines between life and death are blurry, scary, and confusing. When Jesus appeared to the disciples, their initial reaction to his resurrected body was terror. Was he dead or alive or caught in some strange in-between place? If he was alive, was that supposed to suddenly erase the trauma they had endured when they witnessed his torture and death just days earlier? How do you celebrate life while your body carries the fresh scars of the death that preceded resurrection?

Early in my first pregnancy, I remember the intense anxiety of waiting for a week between appointments to find out if I had miscarried. I stood in the hospital parking lot with my husband when we got the call notifying us that the pregnancy was ending. As I grieved the loss of a life that had barely begun, we discovered days later that our baby was in fact alive and well. Now she is my 10 year old reminder that sometimes, miracles happen.

The evidence of life after supposed death—my daughter’s tiny flutter of a heartbeat—remains one of the most beautiful sounds I’ve ever heard. We were shocked and relieved. Still, after receiving the good news, my husband put it succinctly when he said we were “cautiously ecstatic.” That experience was a fresh reminder of the vulnerability of our joy. We had seen how fragile life can be.

The scar my body bears from the birth of my daughter was reopened twice. My second pregnancy ended in a miscarriage with complications that required the doctor to reopen the scar. What had been a reminder of miraculous life became associated with loss. In the first pregnancy, we learned to hope after grief. After the miscarriage, I saw a therapist who walked me through learning how to grieve after hope. I’m still not sure which was more difficult.

The scar was opened a third time when my second daughter was born—life, again, and almost unbearable joy that was entangled with my grief. As we delighted in our second daughter, I remembered in my second pregnancy when I had allowed myself to dance and sing with abandon to Pharrell Williams’ “Happy” song, only to find out there would be no baby. I don’t regret my joy then, brief as it was, and I don’t regret the joy I allowed myself to receive when our rainbow baby was born after a blissfully uneventful pregnancy. 

My body carries the literal scars of my deepest joy and pain, all at the same site. Everywhere I go, I bring along this embodied reminder of life, death, and resurrection. Resurrection is glorious, but first, in my experience, it is scary, disorienting, and entangled with grief.

When Jesus appeared to the disciples after He had arisen from death, His response to their terror was to draw them in closer to Himself. “Touch Me and see,” He said (Luke 24:39). In answer to the disciples “While in their joy they were disbelieving and still wondering,” Jesus ate in their presence, offering further physical evidence of His resurrection. Then, He opened their minds to understand the scriptures He had fulfilled. Jesus offered a wholistic response to the disciples amidst their fear and confusion, connecting with them and meeting their needs in body, mind, and heart.

Throughout our lives, we move in and out of liminal spaces. Some are filled with joyous anticipation, others are marked by great suffering, and most are entangled with grief of some sort. Pregnancy, engagement, job loss, a cancer diagnosis, shifting beliefs, and significant life changes propel us into the discomfort of leaving behind one place while not yet being firmly planted in another. Every day, we stand in the liminal space between who we were and who we will be.

Jesus moves toward us in the uncomfortable thresholds between life, death, and resurrection. He stands with us in the liminal space and invites us to touch Him and see. May God give us eyes to see, minds to understand, and hearts to receive the mysterious gift of God with us in the in-between as we experience the discomfort and the glory of resurrection.

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The Three Practices Of "Sticky" Faith

The Three Practices Of “Sticky” Faith

By Rev. David Finley

A friend forwarded an article from a web site I’m not familiar with, The Federalist, about a religious revival that is all too familiar.  Inside America’s Largest Religious Revival You Know Nothing About is Heather Smith’s look at the religion that has been thriving despite America’s decades-long decline in religious devotion, the religion of Athletica.

Although it is difficult for Christians to attend one or two meetings per week, devotees of Athletica attend almost daily meetings.  Children show up early to school or stay late to practice their faith. This is with good reason. Athletica is a demanding religion with harsh penalties for missing regular meetings.  Worship can run long on weekends and going into extra time is particularly exciting for worshipers.

Parents in Athletica teach their children its rituals as soon as they can walk.  Children practice these rituals with implements scaled to their size. Parents encourage them all along the way.  Children anticipate the day they can fully participate as adults. Thousands aspire to Athletica’s high priesthood, a level only 2% of the faithful will actually reach.

Denominational loyalty is fierce in Athletica, with people displaying their commitments on their vehicles and houses.  Members dress to resemble their priesthood. High priesthood rituals are nationally televised events and devotees make time in their packed schedules to participate by television.  

Smith’s article is obviously satire, but it captures our experiences.  It also captures the collected wisdom of those who work in ministry to teenagers, in books like Kara Powell’s Sticky Faith or Kendra Creasy Dean’s Almost Christian.  Each describes Athletica-like ways to build faith in students that will stay past high school, which I’ve called The Three Practices.  

Practice One:  The Faith That You Show.  Just as children in Athletica learn from their parents and other adults, our children need to learn from adult faith role models.  The best predictor of a child’s faith after high school is their parent’s participation in the faith. Dean’s and Powell’s work shows each student needs five adult faith examples.

Practice Two:  Learn to Say What You Know.  Children begin to own their faith when they can express it, especially talking about it.  Children in Athletica spend their lives with its practices and are encouraged to express their abilities.  In the same way, we should encourage students to participate in our practices and to talk about their faith.

Practice Three: Watch Yourself Grow.  The ability to step back and look at yourself is an essential tool for adulthood.  Children in Athletica measure themselves at every game and every move into a different league.  The value of church retreats and mission trips is in removing students from their usual surroundings to take a fresh look at themselves and what truly matters.

The Three Practices are things we already do.  In applying the tools of Athletica to raising children in the Christian faith, we run counter to the decline of religion in our culture and teach our children a faith they will keep into adulthood.

Six Habits to Cultivate Compassion in Your Kids

Six Habits to Cultivate Compassion in Your Kids

By Blair Thompson-White

A parent shared with me recently that her deepest desire for her children is not that they become doctors or lawyers or make a lot of money. This would be fine, of course, but their career earnings are not her greatest aspiration for them. More than anything, she wants her kids to be kind and compassionate.

We anecdotally know what research has proven over and over: the home is the place of greatest influence in the emotional and spiritual development of children. Kids learn to be kind and compassionate at home from the expectations, routines, and example parents set for them. 

So what are some ‘habits of the heart’ that parents can practice at home with their kids?

Here’s a list I’ve compiled. Some of these ideas come from families whose children I observe to be kind and compassionate; some from books like The Spiritual Child by Lisa Miller; some from podcasts about parenting by folks like Jen Hatmaker and Brene Brown. 

Say Grace Before Every Meal

This means that you prioritize sitting down and eating together. Before everyone digs in, pause and say one of the greatest and simplest prayers: thanks. 

Thank you for this food. Thank you for this day. It doesn't have to be complicated but it does require you to stop and recognize the Something More than you from whom all blessings flow. 

Plan to Help Others

Put helping others in your calendar. Make serving intentional. Find a local food bank and schedule your family to serve together there every-other-month. Talk about why there are food banks. 

Help your kids to think about how each can they sort will eventually go to a family in need. Pray for those who will be receiving the food from the food bank before you eat your evening meal. 

Give Money Away

Create a piggy bank and make putting money in it a part of your routine as a family. Decide who will receive the money; perhaps the food bank where you volunteer will be the recipient or maybe you will research together a charity that works for a cause your kids are passionate about.

Instead of ordering a pizza or eating out one night each week, eat at home. Talk about your decision to eat leftovers instead of eat out. Put the money you would have spent on a meal in the piggy bank.

Do Grocery Shopping Together

When you are in the coffee aisle, show your kids the Fair Trade Certification symbol on the coffee you are purchasing. Point out the difference in price between the Fair Trade coffees and the others and talk about why you choose the former, how you have read about coffee bean workers in places like Guatemala and want to support them, how even this seemingly small decision of what kind of coffee to purchase impacts people around the world.

Grocery shopping can also help kids to learn to see beyond themselves.  

A family shared with me that they shop at Aldi’s together. Each time they go, they return their cart but they do not put it back in the lock to get their quarter back. They give their cart away along with a positive greeting to the person who receives it.

They bring an extra bag with them and give that away, too. Because there is always someone who needs a bag at Aldi’s. The kids are no longer looking at the candy at the checkout line; they are looking for a person who needs a bag.

At the grocery store or any other store, make it a point to greet the cashier and ask them about their day. Your kids are paying attention to the way you interact with those who serve you. Greet cashiers, waiters, salespeople, warmly; look them in the eye and give them a word of gratitude or a word of encouragement. 

Send Thank You Notes

Pick a time once a week to sit at the table together and write one thank you note each. When you are done, share what you wrote with one another. Why are you thankful for this person? Research has shown over and over: gratitude correlates with happiness.

Spend One Day a Month Without Electronics

A friend who is a Rabbi shared with me her family’s practice of Sabbath; they refrain from technology one day a week. They walk instead of drive. They spend time in nature. They cook a meal together and invite neighbors over for long dinner. They rest.

They remember the world will keep spinning without them for a day.

Start unplugging one-day a month and work your way up to once a week. I can tell you from personal experience that this will be very difficult at first.

Ease into it by planning the day together ahead of time. Put your phones, iPads, keys in a basket the night before. Plan to make breakfast together. Plan a morning walk. Plan a picnic and walk to the park. Plan to nap. Plan to have people over for dinner. 

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None of these ideas are revolutionary. The key is to be intentional.

Just as you commit to take your kid to soccer practice so that he or she will become better at the sport, commit to practices that cultivate kindness and compassion. 

Will your kids whine about going to the grocery store with you? Probably. Will they throw a fit about writing a thank you note? More than likely. 

Hang in there. Your example, your explanation of why, your consistency and insistence, is so important as is the support you receive from your community. Surround yourself and your kids with adults who encourage and model kind and compassionate behavior; find a faith community that does this, too. 

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What other practices would you add to this list?
Leave your ideas in the comments below. 

Four Faithful Ways to Disagree with Someone

Four Faithful Ways to Disagree with Someone

By Blair Thompson-White

A friend shared with me that she is dreading family time because her uncle will be there touting political opinions she strongly disagrees with...maybe you can relate.

Maybe like her you have tried various approaches in the past but nothing has worked so far: not speaking up when he says something you believe to be wrong doesn't sit right with your soul and arguing with him only raises your blood pressure and makes your mom say things like, "Honey, I wish you wouldn't cause trouble."

So what is the best way to disagree with someone?

1. Set the ground rules at the beginning. 

Try saying something like: "I'm glad to see you and I want you to know that I respect you and your political beliefs. I wonder if we might talk about these important issues, but do so in a way that makes us both feel heard. I'll ask you questions and listen to you and then you do the same for me. I won't attack you or your ideas or use language that is belittling or mean. Let's try to model for our family how we can still have meaningful conversation but not hurt one another."

If your family member won't agree to this, it is as simple and challenging as setting a boundary. Say: "I'm sorry, but I won't be discussing anything political with you today." This may lead him to try to bait you with a comment he knows will make you want to engage. Catch yourself before you do and say again: "I'm sorry, but I won't be discussing anything political with you today."

Remember when Michelle Obama said, "When they go low, we go high"? The high road is refusing to engage in conversation that devalues either party involved. Creating boundaries between you and the other is ultimately life-giving for you both and the faithful thing to do. 

For a great book about boundaries, read Boundaries by Henry Cloud. This is a must-read for everyone in a relationship with anyone...so literally every human being would benefit from reading this book.

2. Strive for greater understanding. 

This is opposed to striving to convince someone that your position is the right one. Your uncle isn't going to change his mind because of a point you make. Take your desire to convert him to your side out of the equation. Instead, ask questions that help you to see where he is coming from; how his experiences, fears, and desires, shape his way of seeing. 

Repeat back to him what you hear him say so he knows that you are listening. Most people just want to be heard; show that you are hearing him. 

The space we cultivate between us and another person is critical. If we create positive energy in the space, it is more likely that a positive conversation will ensue that will lead to greater understanding on both sides. Maybe he won't change his mind about immigration policies but he will have more empathy for the immigrant...and that's not nothing.

3. Share stories, not statistics. 

When you hear comments about whole groups of people that dehumanizes them, don't let it slide. Dietrich Bonhoeffer puts it this way: "Silence in the face of evil is itself evil: God will not hold us guiltless. Not to speak is to speak. Not to act is to act.” 

I learned this lesson from a pastor who ministered to prisoners. He said one time he was in a group of prisoners having casual conversation and a prisoner made a derogatory comment about women. A week later, he heard the same prisoner saying the same comment to another group, only this time he added: "And the pastor agrees with me!" Silence can be taken as support of a position. The pastor told me that while it can be exhausting to constantly call out comments that are inappropriate, it is key to making the world a bit better.

Instead of remaining silent, make it personal: "The people you are talking about are some of my closest friends." Our faith tells us that each person is a beloved child of God, no matter what. Our responsibility is to speak this truth into conversation, to remind others that the 'other' is precious in God's sight, too. 

4. Let the Holy Spirit guide you. 

The Holy Spirit is our ever-present helper, counselor, advocate, wisdom-giver. When you are not sure what to say, or how to respond, or you feel your heart-rate rising, take a breath. 

Remember the word for breath in the Bible is the same as spirit. God is as close to you as your breathing. Ask the Holy Spirit to give you clarity of thought and the right words to say and they will come. Go for a walk and pray for guidance, and listen. Let your inner teacher tell you what is the right thing to do.

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How we engage with people who see things differently than we do is really important. 

Jesus told us to pray for our enemies because he wanted us to always remember that they are human beings, too; they are loved by God, too. May we embody God's grace for all in how we talk with others with whom we disagree, not shying away from sharing our perceptive but doing so with love.

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Do you have tips that you use? Leave a comment below.

Three Faithful Responses to the Separation of Families at the Border

Three Faithful Responses to the Separation of Families at the Border

By Blair Thompson-White

Children are being separated from their mothers and fathers at the border. 

This story from NPR offers startling statistics--2,342 children have been separated from their families--and reports dramatic details that one has to read twice in order to believe: agents telling children they are getting a bath in order to lure them away from their parents; parents being taken away without clear information about where their children are going.

Even more startling than pictures of children crying is the sound of their weeping, heard in this seven minute recording. I heard it while in the car and it cut right to my heart; after ten seconds of hearing the inconsolable children crying "mommy" my instinct was to turn the channel to a music station. The temptation is to try and numb our feelings, to turn the news off about what is happening to these children and families. 

Our Christian response begins with tuning in and turning towards this terrible story. It is our responsibility to stay tuned in and to let our hearts break. The word compassion means 'to suffer with.' Let yourself suffer with these children and families and when people ask you why you feel so deeply for them, say:

1) These are God's children. We believe that each person is a child of God, no matter where they are from or their color of skin; each person carries the divine image. The divine DNA is in each of us; we are all connected!  The crying child is my child. The mother torn from her two-year-old is my sister. Their pain is our pain. This is our family.

2) Ending this cruelty is ours to do. We have the power and the responsibility to stay informed, to keep talking, to keep praying--and to take action.

Some actions I have taken include: Calling my representatives; sending a letter to the White House and Department of Justice (click here for a template); donating to Justice for our Neighbors, a United Methodist-sponsored agency that offers high-quality immigration legal services to these separated families. 

All of us can do something. I read one story about a group of children who put together a bake sale to raise money for lawyers sponsored by Together Rising, another organization working tireless to fund legal help for these families.

Jesus has no other hands or feet on earth but ours. We are given the power of the Holy Spirit to make this right in Jesus' name right now.

3) Scripture gives us the greatest commandment to love God and love others. It is NOT complicated. Why get so passionate about the plight of these children and families? Because Jesus said "I am them" in Matthew 25. When we look into their eyes and hear their cries, we are encountering the living Christ. 

The Bible tells stories of religious folks who got mixed up and put the law over love. We will not get mixed up. 

As Martin Luther King, Jr. said: the time is always right to do the right thing. It is clear what the right thing to do is. 

Children and families should not be separated.

We will not numb. We will not tune out. 

We will pray, think, and act until the sound of weeping is turned into shouts of joy.

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