What To Do When Your Partner Isn't Spiritual

What To Do When Your Partner Isn't Spiritual

By Blair Thompson-White

You are in church every Sunday while your partner is (fill in the blank): sleeping in, reading the paper, fishing, watching Meet the Press, mowing the lawn. 

You are attending spiritual development classes. Going on retreats. Listening to podcasts with Richard Rohr, reading Rob Bell, learning about the Enneagram. You want to talk about what you are learning with your partner, the questions you are asking, the new ideas you are exploring about God, yourself, the world. Your partner's favorite conversation topics are sports and the latest show on Netflix.  You love sports and Netflix but you long for Something More, you yearn for deeper connection with your partner.

You want a spiritual partner...but you don't think you have one. So what do you do? Here are a few ideas.

Talk To Your Partner About Your Desire for Spiritual Connection

There is a difference between partnership and spiritual partnership. All of the great spiritual teachers articulate this in one way or another: we need others help us to grow spiritually. Spiritual partners help one another to grow spiritually. 

Now...just because you are ready to move from partnership to spiritual partnership and your partner isn't there yet doesn't give you permission to be self-righteous.  This is the temptation: to think you are better than or more mature than others because you think you are further down the spiritual journey than them. Stop comparing. Communicate your desires instead. 

Here's a script that avoids using words like "You should" or "You don't." That kind of language puts people on the defensive. Speak from the I-perspective. Try this: "I yearn for us to connect on a deeper, more spiritual level. I wonder if over dinner this week, I might share with you some of the things I have been learning about God and myself?" 

Tell Your Partner How You Are Growing Spiritually

Share with your partner what you are thinking and feeling but here's the catch: share only for the purpose of sharing, not for the purpose of trying to change them or trying to get them to engage in a certain way. Share simply because you want them to know you more.

Oftentimes we expect conversations to go a certain way...we expect people to react a certain way. Don't do this. 

Let go of your expectations for your partner's spiritual growth. You can't push people down the spiritual path or pull them to keep up with your speed. You can't control where they are in their journey; just be with them where they are, instead of being frustrated that they are not where you want them to be. 

Learn to be present with people where they are and you will grow spiritually. 

Find a Spiritual Director

A spiritual director will walk with you and give you the spiritual companionship you need that your partner can't give you right now. This person has been professionally trained to guide you in your faith development; you will engage more deeply with the Holy Spirit with your spiritual director's help, and this will help you in all of your relationships.

You may wonder why not just find a spiritual friend or two to talk to instead of a spiritual director...Yes, and. Yes have friends you can talk to about spiritualthings. And have a spiritual director. 

A professional spiritual director offers boundaries and accountability. You need both of these in your spiritual growth, especially if you are not connecting with your partner at home on a spiritual level. This is an important but necessary warning: what starts out as spiritual connection with a friend can lead to physical connection. Pay attention to boundaries and maintain them. 

To find a spiritual director in the Richardson area, visit the Retreat House

When your partner isn't spiritual, don't shut down. Talk to your partner. Pay attention to the space between you and your partner and do not put judgment or comparison between you and them. Put openness. Put conversation. Know that the Holy Spirit is present and working on your partner--and you. Trust God's presence and grace. As St. Francis is said to have said: You may be the only Bible people read. May you reflect God's love to your partner through your words and actions.

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What Else Would You Do?

Have you been through this? Maybe you have some helpful ideas or some prayers for others who are living through this today. Share your thoughts in the comments below. 

Three Books to Read This Summer

Three Books To Read This Summer

By Blair Thompson-White

These three books are great summer reads for your spiritual growth. I've included some discussion questions for each book as a resource for your personal reflection or small group conversation. 

1) Everything Happens for a Reason...And Other Lies I've Loved by Kate Bowler. 

This book, released in February, is a New York Times Bestseller. I am recommending it to anyone going through a difficult diagnosis, anyone who knows someone going through a difficult diagnosis, all medical personnel, all clergy, all who have been exposed to messages of the prosperity gospel...ok basically everyone. 

Everyone should read this book. (purchase now on AmazonSmile)

Here's the synopsis: Kate is a scholar on the faculty of Duke Divinity School. Her primary research is about the prosperity gospel in America. At age 35, she is diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer. Her candid account of her journey through cancer is remarkable; the way she articulates the problems with the prosperity gospel's take on her illness is right on. 

Reading this book will give you language for speaking out against the prosperity gospel and deepen your empathy for those going through cancer. The prosperity gospel preaches easy answers to life's hardest questions; Kate's witness gives weight to the power of deep, abiding faith that is able to sit with uncertainty and still be more than ok.

Discussion questions: 

• Kate says a lie she's loved is that "everything happens for a reason." What are some of the lies you've loved? Why and how has your perceptive on these 'lies' changed?

• How does Kate's account of her experience with cancer relate to your difficult experiences? What do you learn from her? 

• How should we care for others going through cancer and other diagnosis? What is a list of do's and don'ts for how to help and not hurt?

2) Gratitude: The Transformative Power of Giving Thanks by Diana Butler Bass

Politics is so gross right now, so divisive; there is so much ugly in our country and world...and yet, Bass has written an entire book on gratitude. She admits this topic may seem out of touch with what is going on in the news today.

The temptation would be to write a book about gratitude that is all 'pie-in-the-sky,' meaning real nice to read about but not too real-world in practical application. Bass has not done that at all and that's what makes this book about gratitude stand out. 

If you are expecting her to tell you to start a gratitude journal, well she does mention that--BUT--she goes way deeper than that, offering historical perspective on gratitude and reciprocity in the ancient world and its influence on our politics today. (purchase now on Amazon Smile)

It is not too much too say that reading this book may not only transform you...if enough of us read it, it may well transform our church and American political system.

Discussion Questions

• What would it look like for you to focus on gratitude? For schools, businesses, churches to focus on gratitude? For our country to focus on gratitude? What would shift in our interactions and transactions if our society designated "a year of gratitude"?

• What intentional practices of gratitude might you begin to implement? 

• How might our politics be different if we moved from the game of tit for tat to that of neighborly reciprocity, to gift and gratitude?

3) How to Be Here: A Guide to Creating a Life Worth Living by Rob Bell

Rob Bell's most recent book "What Is the Bible" is excellent and popular and also one that I highly recommend...you may have missed his previous book How to Be Here. This quick-read is simple and profound, as we have come to expect from Bell. 

This is a great read for the summer because summer is a great time to focus on being present in the moment. Summer may also be the right time to reset some of those work and family routines and habits that are not working and not sustainable to living a truly fulfilling and meaningful life.

How to Be Here is incredibly practical. For example, you won't read his insights on Sabbath and feel guilty that you don't take it; rather, you'll feel equipped to take the next step to creating a life that is more intentional about rest. (purchase now on Amazon Smile)

Discussion Questions:

• When you listen to your life, what is your "ikigai": what is it that gets you out of bed in the morning? How does this influence how you spend your time?

• Bell says we get stuck because we don't know all the steps ahead. He says you don't have to know the 17th step, you just have to know the first step. What makes you stuck right now? What is the first step you are being led to take at this time in your life?

What Are You Reading?

I hope you'll use the comment section to share your reflections on these books and offer other titles you recommend. May what we read this summer inspire our spiritual growth!